well.. 2day suppose 2 go fer Strikeforce... n sumting stupid happen... my mum.. yesh.. she again.. cum in n start scolding... i realli cannot understand.. wat is it tat she wants.. i realli getting more n more fed up... as if i going there is play.. pls la.. is fer Chingay leh... i realli duno wat 2 say le... sumtimes hw i wish i can juz vanish into thin air.. den she will nt have so mani troubles n waste her energy scolding me... realli.. hw i wish i have the courage... n juz end it.. i realli hate it.. trying 2 fake a strong side in front of her n nt cry.. but my tears simply cant be controlled... the words that she said... realli are juz like those sharp knifes stabbing into my heart... i hate it lo.. she tink i loves 2 quarrel wid her meh? she doesnt noe that i am suffering the pain in my heart even after de quarrels that we have... i weep silently n nt let her noe.. why? coz i dun wan her 2 be worry fer me... is this an act of insensible?! but juz i realli cant stand de way she is treating me lo.. as if i am nt her child.. as if i am a jinx... oh pls.. if i am.. den why in de first place bring me 2 this world!!! yesh i cant deny tat sumtimes she is realli veri great.. but sumtimes... she juz vent all her anger on me.. when she faced problems @ her work place.. she will cum hme n whoever gets a bit rowdy will get it frm her.. ok.. this i cant blame.. but cant she be more rational!!! i realli cannot tolerate this..
haiz.. think maybe i am juz a failure in everyting that i do.. nt doing well in my major exams like PSLE, Sec2 Streaming, O lvl, Poly Sem1...
PSLE... with reference 2 my usual sch results.. getting into Jurong Secondary is nt a problem @ all.. and in the end.. i end up in Juying Secondary... my last choice... why?! coz i gt too nervous during my PSLE coz is de first time taking a major exam...... den is my Sec2 streaming.. i gt into de last class of express... without AMATH... a subject tat i realli wanna take... n yesh... i am devasted @ tat pt of time.. i cant blame ani1... tat is because i am addicted 2 net chatting.. ok.. this is my fault... den... during my sec3 yr... sumting happen... my good fren.. a fren i knew since pri 1.... sum1 whom i am always in contact wid n will meet up @ least once a wk... joining de same CO.... she committed sucide... on 24thJune2001.. i am totally lost... i cant concentrate at all in sch.. i skip sch 2 attend her funeral.. because of this... i nearly got demerit pts n have to see the principal.. this thing took me almost 1yr...to actually accept the truth tat she is gone.. forever... n i failed my english n humanities in sec 3... with de other subjects scoring A1, A2... other den my d&t... n plus.. my attitude changed totally.. becum rebellious in sch.. n this causes me unable 2 be promote to sec4... so i gt retained... in sec3.. even though i was de top scholar in class...my results are still nt veri gd... eng n humanities still fail... the worse thing is.. another attack came... gt backstabbed by fren... a fren tat i trusted n treasured so much... though is over.. but still i took a long time 2 overcum it... then... my O lvl.. though i manage 2 pass... but still.. i fail humanities... n my EMATH n AMATH n MT dropped all the way frm A1 to B3... i am realli unsatisfied with my result... nw.. in poly... sem1... scored such lousy result.. haiz... i realli.. think i am nt de piece of material 2 study...
nw... fer chinese orchestra... been learning since after PSLE.. after my fren's death... my mum strongly against me joining back... i get so sad... coz i have realli fall in love with CO... it have been so long le.. almost going 6yrs le.. been in CO fer almost 6yrs le.. n yet.. my skills... lousy... n cant even solo...!!! dun say solo... ask me play alone in de orchestra is impossible fer me.. coz my skills.. is nt there yet!!!!!!! especially after watching the Ruan performance ystrday.. i am even more sure that i am a lousy player...
den is my cca in secondary sch.. joined choir n badminton... was in sch team fer badminton.. but de standard between me n de best player... is still 1 whole big gap!!! my stamina.. is forever de worst in de team.. playing the doubles... and cant even win a lousy sch....as in choir.. i am always being changed to different parts of alto 2 help out.. n though i enjoy it.. but i cant realli learn sumtings out of it.. but still i love singing... den the worst thing is.. during the first yr of my sec 3... i have 2 give up either choir or badminton..!!!! i am totally in a lost again.. i dunwanna lose both.. in the end.. i have no choice.. but i chose badminton... but in de end.. i went MIA n becum cca-less..
all these realli concludes that i am a total failure.. in watever i do...
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